I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
