my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
