I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What did we do last night that was yellow?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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