We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
