She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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