I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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