Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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