i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
