im gay
i know
yea but for you.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
