I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize