I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He told me they were just razor bumps!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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