I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
