just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
