last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
