Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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