3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
