Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
