When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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