I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
