Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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