I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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