Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
