i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
