gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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