The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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