Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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