I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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