dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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