there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
