i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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