so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
