Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
