My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
