i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
