I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
