are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
