I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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