Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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