Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
