ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
