She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
