Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
