oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
