Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
