The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
