I just saw a hot homeless man
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
this hospital has no fireball
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
