Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
