haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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