I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
