My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
