i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
not ubering you a puppy
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
