Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
