She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
