I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
