i was born a porn star she said
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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