Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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