Its about making memories worth repressing
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
