oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
